How to Recover from Reactivity

As I was walking across the parking lot, carrying a package to a UPS store, a man marched past me towards his car.

Moments later, he yelled back at me, with some hostility, “Hey lady, do you think you could park any closer to my car?”

I turned around, surprised and embarrassed, and took a step back towards my car.

“I’m so sorry,” I offered apologetically, “Would you like me to move it…?”

I halted.

There was plenty of space between my car and his. He could easily open his door, most of the way.

I’d had no trouble getting out of the car, even with a substantial package underarm that I’d needed to gather up from the backseat.

Realizing this, indignation, then fear, the wariness flooded through me.

So much happens in those split seconds.

Confronted with hostility, I often move into a “tend and befriend” defense consisting mostly of abandoning myself and appeasing the other person, but this was different.

Realizing that I had parked just fine but that he might still not be able to get into his car, I chose to engage further.

I walked over as he was twisting and huffing his way into his car and gently offered again, more directly, “I would be more than happy to move my car if you are having trouble getting in?”

“No, it’s fine,” he snapped impatiently, rolling his eyes at me as he got in.

“OK … well, I hope your day goes more smoothly from here…” I offered.

He slammed his door shut and I stepped back as he drove away.

Ugh. I hate interactions like that.

Walking into the UPS store, a mix of shame and anger surged through me.

My hands were cold, my body was trembling. My years of practice in working with myself instead of against myself, guided my next move:

I put down my package and took a moment to shake my arms out.
Just notice and name the sensations, I told myself.
Get present. Process. Feel. You are safe. Nothing is wrong.
Self-soothing and self-presencing is far more helpful than self-judging.
My nervous system settled down a litte more.

Walking back to my car, I double-checked the parking lines (yes, again!) to see if I really had parked too close?

My parking was just fine. I got into my car, and just sat there for a moment, quite a bit shaken, contemplating the interaction.

In moments like these a wild mix of intense emotions want to work themselves out, and many of us have a habit of trying to escape the way it feels by escaping into our thinking instead of staying present to the natural process of our stress-response system coming back to homeostasis.

I watched my conditioning and judgmental habits kick in: I first judged myself for not fighting back and defending myself.

I wondered if I had been overly accommodating when it might have been more satisfying to simply have put this man in his place. Perhaps I should simply have set a boundary and pushed back on his hostility.

Then, I judged him for spewing his undeserved hostility over me. I found old enemy images knocking about … “men like that …,” “abusive behaviors …” “insensitive childish bully …”

Judgmental thinking swept through me, rooted in an old paradigm that I’ve been trying to transform for a long time. Meeting hostility with hostility doesn’t change anything, and I am all about changing the status quo when it doesn’t work.

Choosing to respond non-defensively, grounded in my authentic desire to help, at least left me with a deep sense of personal integrity despite how vulnerable I felt in the interaction.

In spite of how this man had approached and interacted with me, I responded with care. I fielded his hostility with graciousness, instead of fawning in apologetic servitude or getting aggressive and reactive back at him.

I respected my own awareness, clarity, and courage.
But as I sat there thinking about it all, I just felt sad.

Sad about the enormity of the work ahead of us if we truly want to change our culture.

This small interaction reminded me of how much people are suffering, and how easily we spread our suffering around. When we haven’t healed or connected with our pain, it builds up and spurts out, scattering unbridled hostility over everyone else.

I’ve been that person, too.
I think we all have.

We field our own and one another’s pain: either with empathy and presence or with defensiveness, aggression and disconnection.

We either turn our pain into violence or into compassion. The choice is ours.

We respond with a desire to alleviate the pain in our world, or with a desire to create pain and hostility “back” so that we can get the temporary, satisfying “hit” of being more powerful than the “other” in that split second moment.

We sacrifice compassion for righteousness.

In every moment we have the potential to transform suffering with love.

It doesn’t mean others will suddenly start being nicer to you. This man blocked all my efforts and drove away in a huff.

Drop your attachment to certain outcomes. But your experience of yourself will change, and who knows what seeds may have been planted in that interaction?

If you feel inspired to increase your capacity for responding with care when others are reactive, here are some stages of awareness and skill you might find useful:

Unskilled & Unaware:
We habitually react with defensiveness, submissiveness or avoidance of that person or situation, and are unaware that we are doing it.

Awakening and Aware:
We begin to develop an awareness of our habitual reactions, and we also generate more care about the impact we had on others after the fact.

Capable, with Intention and Effort:
We practice internally resourcing ourselves in the face of others’ reactivity and intensity. We increase our self-connection and self-compassion by connecting with our feelings and needs.

We notice and allow what is arising in our bodies.

By not going into an internal conflict with ourselves, we then have energy available to contain our default reactions, and the ability to be curious and choiceful about what is arising within ourselves.

We find ourselves getting more curious about others’ perspectives and perceptions, others’ feelings and needs.

Integrated, with Ease and Flow:
We find ourselves able to stay grounded, centered and choiceful in the face of emotional intensity.
We accept other people get triggered; we allow space for things to arise, we stay present and empathic, embracing with them and ourselves.
Let’s pause and reflect:

What is the next choice I need to make to bring myself closer to embodying that which I long for more of in the world?